sometimes i want to be
the opposite of who i am.
sometimes i dont want to go to
all the social things
and be loud and friendly
and create conversation with everyone in sight
and make the best out of every situation.
and be a leader on all of these leadership teams.
sometimes i dont want to do wesley leadership.
or foundation leadership.
sometimes i want to be completley honest
with people.
even if it makes them uncomfortable.
even if it makes them mad.
sometimes i want to leave social events early.
just to slip away and be far from everyone.
to have time for myself.
to do things i really enjoy.
sometimes, the opposite of me
would turn up the music as loud as it goes
in my apartment
and not think twice of how rude
that might be to my neighbors
who live above and below me.
but instead i keep the music
at a reasonable level,
and am very cautious of my actions
lest i make neightbors angry.
the opposite me would
go and paint things on buildings.
not rude or obscene things,
but lovely, powerful,
eye opening things.
things i think are beautiful.
but of course, law abidingly, i stick to canvases.
or lately, poster board.
the opposite me
would be upfront with everyone who
irritaes me.
and upfront with everyone who has ever hurt me.
and roll my eyes any time i want to.
and not care if anyone sees.
but i shrug things off, and keep going.
the opposite me would call people out
on their bull crap.
and would desire to be called out
on my bull crap.
but instead i look the other way
when shady things happen
and i expect others to look the other way
if i am ever out of line.
i intend to slink away in the shadows
and expect everyone else to let me.
the opposite me wouldnt think twice about
who i date. or the person i will end up with.
she would just date fearlessly and flawlessly.
and of course,i dont do any of that.
the opposite me would speak french
and demand that people listen to her.
but, my eyes are downcast when i use my french
i am timid and afraid of messing up.
the opposite me
would know what she wants out of
life
love
family
work
the world.
and do i know anything?
do i need to even answer that question?
the opposite me
would pick up a guitar and
remember everything she learned
when she used to take lessons,
and build on all of that
old knowledge
and build her skill.
i, however, cannot.
the opposite me would
throw herself at the foot of the cross
and beg for forgiveness
and guidence and mercy and grace and direction
every minute of every day.
i, of course, struggle with daily quiet times.
the opposite me would yell, so loud,
at anyone who has double crossed her.
anyone who has cheated her.
anyone who has made her blood boil.
she would say exactly how it made her feel
and she would not have any hesitations
in confontations of the like.
but i tend to scream into pillows
when things get to be too much.
the opposite me would go after
everything she has ever wanted.
and she would know the exact ways of doing it.
i dont know what i want.
much less how to get it.
the opposite me would
quit school.
and get the life
she knew she would always have.
or she would at least have the guts
to go to med school.
i would never quit school
and most certainly never go near
maths and sciences. ew.
the opposite me has more guts.
the opposite me is more driven.
she is more bold.
i am a little more scared,
a little less focused,
and not as gutsy.
i lack a lot of things, yes.
but i am learning.
i dont know what the big picture is
but i know how to take baby steps.
maybe thats what we are all striving towards?
the things about ourselves that we want,
but think are out of reach?
maybe, while living in Christ's freedom,
we can see that with His strength,
all things are possible?
maybe its possible to be that person
we long for and desire to be.
maybe through the mistakes we make
and the lessons we learn
through those mistakes,
and clinging to the Lord
we can inch a little bit closer
to the person we desire to be.
the more gutsty, i-can-walk-through-fire,driven person
who demands to be heard.
maybe?

strawberry swing [Live].colplay.white lines and red lights.between the trees.no one said it would be easy.cloud cult.noticed.mute math.greener.tally hall.motorcycle drive by.third eye blind.green eyes.coldplay.cold december.matt costa.rainy monday.shiny toy guns.ohh la la.rod stuart.crying shame.get set go. fits and dizzy spells.andrew bird.death and all his friends.coldplay.be still my heart.postal service.your love is strong.jon foreman.cant take it in.imogen heap.a nervous tic motion of the head to the left.andrew bird.ill follow you into the dark.postal service.rainbow veins.owl city.beautiful world.colin hay.blinded.third eye blind.maybe im just tired.as tall as lions.the bidding.tally hall.orange sky.alexi murdoch.technicolor phase.owl city.i like giants.kimya dawson.hamburg song.keane.my yellow country teeth.clap your hands say yeah!madi dont leave.playradioplay!casimir pulaski day.sufjan stevens.chicago.matt kearny.somebody more like you.nickle creek.icky thunp.white stripes.wanted.vanessa carlton.all my days.alexi murdoch.chaos.mute math.you!me!dancing!los campensinos!how to grow a woman from the ground.chris thile.so long self.mercyme.dear vienna.owl city.satisfy.vedera.punch bowl.the punch brothers.good day.tally hall.the gift.angels and airwaves.darlin'.between the trees.champagn high.sister hazel.effigy.andrew bird.in a sweater poorly knit.mewithoutyou.the fox.nickel creek.im nowhere and youre everything.chris thile.saltwater room.owl city.baby its fact.hellogoodbye.ill meet you there.owl city.rattle these bones.hoots&hellmouth.not meant to be.theory of a deadman.shes got the rythem.the summer set.still havnt found what im looking for.u2.same in any language.i nine.nosebleed.illinois.have you got it in you?imogen heap.alive with the glory of love.say anything.with everything.hillsong.love song.jason morant.split screen saddness.john mayer.save me from myself.jon foreman.this girl.jonathan tyler and the northern lights.we might as well be strangers.keane.the sound of melodies(the entire album).leeland.its all happening on broadway.vedera.god with us.mercyme.jamais seule.loane.music is my boyfriend.css.the state.limbeck.white.lights.vois sur ton chemin.les choristes.chain.school of seven bells.shut up and let me go.the ting tings.hot air balloon.owl city.sunday bloody sunday.u2.down down down.the presets.the preditory wasp of the palisades is out to get us.sufjan stephens.times.tenth avenue north.white wedding.queens of the stone age.pieces of the people we love.the rapture.born again.third day.play with fire.richard marx.hallalujah.rufus wainwright.already.rush of fools.everyone knows everyone.the secret handshake.cross your fingers.the summer set.hoppipolla.sirgur ros.have i told you lately that i love you.van morrison.you dance.eastmountainsouth.ruthless.something corporate.ruler of everything.tally hall.no sex for ben.the rapture.

hmmm, and i suppose
this will occupy my dreams
for the next few weeks eh??
i suppose thats ok.
considering i feel warmth
and bliss when i recall
the happiness i found here.
and everywhere i went.
and everywhere i miss.

i can prattle away
to God about my feelings
and problems
all the livelong day,
but when it comes time
to descend into silence
to listen,
to sleep,
to process,
to evaluate,
to analyze,
its a different story.
when i ask my mind
to rest in silence
and stillness,
its astonishing how quickly
it will turn to endless,
hopeless questions,
worldly thoughts,
curiosity,
selfish desires,
anxiety,
or all of the above.
i am such a slave to my emotions.
not the greatest thing.
but perhaps not the worst?

Well I have been searching all of my days
All of my days
Many a road, you know
I’ve been walking on
All of my days
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

things that i want to remember

-Sacre Couer is huge and the domes on the inside are bigger than expected.
-the domes also have some of the coolest paintings of Jesus and His followers that I have ever seen.
-we met a nic guy today from canada who didnt know what he was doing trying to find the subway, we felt so bad for him because he did not speak any french and BOYYYY have we been there, so we helped him and he was actually heading to the same touristy place that we were heading to. he snuck his camera in the church (sacre couer) and took pictures and we ran from the guards who screamed "PAS PHOTOS!!" all around the church. funny funny.
-there were lot of people worshiping in Sacre Couer and Notre Dame, i love it love it love it.
-lots of people were singing while i got on my knees and prayed.
-as i sat on a pew and journaled, the woman next to me was singing and humming and praying. it made me so happy.
-st, christophers hostl in paris is so hip and cool and i love it
-couch surfing is legit.
-baguettes really are everywhere here
-they are very cheap too
-elclairs might be the best thing i have ever eaten
-i have learned cheers in 6 different languages
-versailles was incredible. i felt lie royalty just walking around the gardens
-dont walk around with a map out looking like you dont know what you are doing...you set yourself up as bait.
-subways here attract the shiftiest people ever
-gypsies will steal from you
-if shifty people ask if you speak english, make life so much easier by saying no
-the louvre is the largest place ever.
-the ceilings are lovely, the paintings are God's gift to earth, and the statues are breath taking.
-free wifi makes my day like nothing else
-heidelberg is the prettiest city i have seen yet.
-or maybe bregenz....
-or maybe i just wont choose.
-the fact that we had to pay like 300$ for one night in paris makes me sick to my stomache.
-right this very second im sitting outside the hostel's connecting restaurant patio on the river talking to this nice woman who is telling us her story of how she ended up here is Paris. Her name is Karen and she is from LA. she relies on the Lord and she gives thanks to her Savior for everything. i love her.
-i am chily right now
-i played gin with a new greek friend
-tomorrow we are going to limoges and im meeting up with emilie
-i cant waittttt
-after that we will go to Cannes and lay on the beach for 3 days
-i prefer hostels because of the people we meet
-playing cards all the time is a great way to meet people and talk to them
-kind people are everywhere.
-and helpful ones, too.
-i know more french than i thought i did
-i wish i was staying here!!
-i had quiche for dinner (well, half of one)
-we are poor travelers and we LOVE ITT



rachel marie cline, we are never together over the summers and i always hate that.

im seeing things differently.
i feel like im waking up from a sleep
i had no idea i had fallen into.

the past week

im sitting on the balcony of my cousins third floor
as i sit and sift through elise's pictures
choosing which ones i will post
cuz im too lazy to upload my own onto this computer. ü
we took a stroll through bregenz today
and got coffee and cake at rachels favorite spot.
we walked down to the lake and looked at the ferry sched.
i think we will get on a boat that goes all along the coast
of germany and switzerland as well as austria sometime tomorrow.
after lunch elise and i will go on a bike ride
eventually arriving at our destination-
the pebble beach by the lake to lay in the sun.
i never want to leave!!

the sched

germany
-frankfurt
-heidelberg

austria
-bregenz

switzerland
-zurich

france
-paris
-limoges
-cannes

italy
-chinqua terra
-florence
-pisa
-rome

we'll see how this goes:]

goodbyes are still sad, even on this side of the world.

i hate goodbyes.
im not good at them.
i never have been.
we went to the hope house this morning
and we all knew this would be the last day.
there would be no "tomorrow! tomorrow!"
at the end of our visit with hugs and smiles.
we got there and we hugged and took
many pictures.
they did my hair
and put flowers in it.
and sang "i am a c,
i am a c-h,
i am a c-h-r-i-s-t-i-a-n
and i have c-h-r-i-s-t
in my he-a-r-t
abd i will l-i-v-e-e-t-e-r-n-a-l-l-y"
and we wrote with chalk
on the stairs
and we colored in coloring books
and we went upstairs to the roof
and picked mangos from the tree.
and we twirled our skirts.
holding hands all the while.
and then we said bye.

goodbyes are hard but
they are not so hard as to
regret coming at all.
im glad i came.
im glad i met these girls.
im so thankful for this experience
and their beautiful faces
and their smiles
and their huge eyes
that are so watchful
of everything i do
so that they can mirror it.
they are lovely and wonderful
and polite
and eager to know more about the Lord
and so receptive
and so smart.
i praise God for letting me
even be a tiny part
of His huge miraculous plan
for His tiny angels
that find a home
at the Hope House.
i love them:]


that He would remember me,
and answer my prayer of seinding me.
How great is our God!

Your majesty
Your majesty
is why I sing.

your love is strong

the kingdom of the heavens
is buried treasure.

The Lord gave me this verse this morning
and its amazing how much peace it brought me:)

But when I thought how to understand this,
it seemed to me a wearisome task,
until I went into the sanctuary of God;
then I discerned their end.
Psalm 73:16-17

this morning.

im still so in love with the song
"Born Again" by Third day.
i wish i could stand up and sing
the words at the top of my lungs.
yell the words so loud.
and harmonize with the melody.
and i want to mean the words
and for everyone i see here
to hear the words.
and for them to feel
what i feel
when i sing them.

right now

it is thundering
and i am about to go snuggle in my bed
and listen to the rain pitter patter
until i fall asleep.
my belly is full of naan (bread)
and water
and i am going over all the events
that happened today.
and marveling at the Lord's creation
the different settings.
and everything i saw.
the scenery.
the passengers on the train.
the beggers.
the hungry.
the students coming back from the university.
the men and women returning to their families
from their long days at work.
the cities,vellore and chennai,
that are bustling with people
with lives and families
and hopes and dreams
and pasts and futures.
these cities that are trying
to continue on towards something.
but is it really going forward?
towards something with meaning?
towards something of hope?
towards truth?
something that redeems?
something that is everlasting
even after this life?
that answer might keep me up
longer than expected
listening to the thunder and rain.

my soul, oh God, is soaring
for i will dance and sing!
my heart is at the secret place
of every precious thing.

God did not
stop the storm
on the sea this day.
but He did steal
the storm in me.
I am not alone
in my anguish.
there is sorrow
in the heart of
the Lord this day.

get ready for the update of your LIFE!!

today is sunday and i have a lot of time on my hands!!
we went to church and have a free afternoon until we eat dinner with the girls at the Hope House!
yesterdayyyyyy we dropped off the girls who are not staying the extra week at the air port. thats a longgg drive. so after sleeping on a bus until two in the morning, it was so good to lay in a bed and rest.
well here are some pictures of my time so far!
yay



this is the team at shanty graman, which is a leprosy colony. the name of the colony translates into "place of peace". they were so kind to us and were kind enough to hang out with us and talk to us for a while!


megan and i on the way back from the gypsie colony!


the girls and i outside the water park after a day in the sea!


all of us playing in the massive waves


stephanie and i

love you all!

to whom it may concern

things happening today:
face painting with the Hope House girls
it was so fun
water balloons also
we gave them presents
and we sang to them
and they sang to us
and it was wonderful
awesome pictures
translating goodbyes
from english to tamil
and tamil to english
secret happiness that it wasnt really goodbye for me
only for 7 of us
saddness when realization of the team leaving dawned on me
even more pictures because of their departure
walk to the market to get lunch
which doubled the stares
because of our skin and also the face paint
team packs to head home
drive to airport for them to fly out
beginning of michelle, elise, and i's third week

things im feeling today:

happy to spend time with all these people for one last day
amazed two weeks have flown by
tired, physically and emotionally
releaved im staying one more week
meaning goodbyes are post poned with the Hope House girls
needing the Lords strength
needing His vision
wanting to learn more
so thankful for the girls on my team
and the closeness that has developed the last two weeks
hopeful that their flight goes fast and smooth for them
those flights are serioudly the devil... haha
ps-indian plane food= quite possibly the sickest thing ever.
incase anyone was wondering..


sorry about the lack of details...
im fatigued today.
love you guys!

gotta love these smelly internet cafes :)

ok so here are some pictures:
the only reason i have these is because ruby posted them on his facebook and i saved them to the computer im at. but anyway:
the first one is us right after our flight arrived in chennai. we had been traveling for 28 hours. we were delerious. and my pants ripped on the plane. i dont know how or why or exactly when, but they did. haha memorable flights. and the second one is all of us with sam nakka, and her kids lilly and lydia. some of us are in our indian attire. chrch was awesome. everyone was so welcoming.







Father forgive me,
I have not believed
like Mother India,
I've groaned and grieved.
Father forgive me,
I forgot Your grace.
Your spirit falls on India,
and captures me in Your embrace.

these days

i am an orphan
clinging to your hand
singing praises of how im found.

you are beautiful, my sweet sweet song.

much has happened.
how could it not?
we met the girls at the Hope House two days ago.
they are wonderful
and beautiful
and im in love with them cpmpletely.
the Lords grace here is undeniable
and unfathomable.
He is so big!
i forget that.
we went to the beach yesterday.
we had to all swim in our dresses because
bathing suits arent allowed here.
it was so sweet to hold the hands
of the ones the Lord has not forgotten,
on the contrary.
the ones whom the Lord has kept
so so safe.
tucked right next to His heart.
the ones whom we dotes on,
and is mesmirized by.
holding their hands,
looking into their big beautiful awe struck eyes,
with my feet digging into the sand,
and the bay of bengal lapping at my toes.
this is what the Lord intended for us.
love.
compassion.
quality time.
sacrifice for others.
understanding.
fellowship.
community.
encouragement.
giggles.
gifts.
surprises.
holding hands and,
the sea.

Father God,
You are so good to me,
you heal their broken hearts,
you are my Father in Heaven.

annnnnnnnnnnd im in india.

i am in india! praise God for our safe travel! no rediculously long lay overs, no lost luggage, no delays!! our plane trip to germany went really smoothly but it was really hard to sleep on it. we sat next top a really nice woman who teaches german in roswell new mexico. she was actually peyton's german teacher. small world! we got into germany around 9 30 in the morning and had to run to get to our next flight. we took a tram across the air port and had to take a bus. we did not use a terminal, we were outside and went up stairs to our plane. ive never done that before! on the eight hour flight to chennai i sat next to a wonderful lady, dolly, who has a baby names joshua with her. he was such a happy baby! never cried. it was so pleasant to sit next to them. ok. so, we got to chinnai and ruby was there to pick us up. it is soo hot here. hot and sticky even at night! we took a two and a half hour bus ride to the hospital that we are staying at. thought we would stay at the orphanage, but i guess not. there are two to each room. they are so great! we have our own beds and a bathroom with a toilet and a shower bucket haha. had a few run ins with GINORMOUS spiders, but hey. its india. what do you expect? right now im at ruby's house. some of the girls went to the market with ruby and some of us stayed here. anyway, we are going to the bank today to convert our money and we are going to go shopping in the local market after the bank. we will eat lunch and dinner here and then ruby wants us to go to sleep early tonight so that we can be over jet lag. man. im so tired. ummm i dont have a lot of time so here are a few things that i have taken mental note of:

there are cows everywhere.
they are sacred, so they can do whatever they want.
everyone is barefoot.
lots of people sleeping on sides of roads.
crazy drivers. we have gone by bus to a lot of places
and each time is a story in itself.
there are no stop lights, stop signs, no rules.
people honk their horns for everything-
to say hi, to be rude, to let other drivers know they are there, ect.
ruby's kids are wonderful.
it smells like spices here.
chennai is known for its silk.

other things: i have not gotten my sim card yet, i will soon though! im happy and healthy and so excited for what the Lord has planned for us here!!
love yall.
keep praying:)

What can i say? What can i do? But offer this heart, oh God, completely to You.

In Paul's letter to the church of Laeodiceans, he begs with them to allow Jesus to take full control of their lives. He uses in his letter, the greek word katoikeo, which means:to take residence in a home. He uses this word to get his point across rather than a similar word, patoikeo, which means to be a guest in one's home. He specifically uses the word katoikeo because he does not want the Lord to be a guest in our lives. Telling the Lord, "YES!" means so much more than meeting Him, and forgeting.
To say "YES!" to our Lord and Savior means submitting ourselves to Him.
our decisions,
our words,
our actions,
our relationships,
our problems,
our footsteps,
our hearts,
our LIVES.
lukewarm ways of life are fruitless.
they mean nothing.
when we are lukewarm,
we are neither hot nor cold.
Jesus is standing at the door of our hearts
saying,
I'm here.
I'm waiting.
I want to come in.
You only have to let me.
enough of this mediocre life!
He desires more for us.
the Lord of the universe has called US, us, by name!
He cares.
He loves.
He forgives.
The maker of the stars wants to know us intimately!!
How can we sit here, and think the
most romantic poet
of all time,
would want anything less from us then
the most intimate, personal, and romantic of all relationships?
He called us into being,
SO THAT we could know Him and love Him.
we are here for Him.
everything belongs to Him.
our heads.
our hands.
our hearts.
no more of this lukewarm.
we need to live passionately.


"I know thy works, you are neither hot nor cold. So that you are neither hot nor cold, you are lukewarm and I will vomit you out of my mouth." Revelation 15-16

Thanks be to God that our Lord desires us so
fully and completely that He it makes Him SICK
when we settle for less.


Father God I have invited you into my heart,
but I am treating you like a guest.

Rwanda♥

right now my friends are in rwanda, africa.
they got there today.


Father God keep them safe.
keep them in the palm of Your hand.
You promised You would never leave us,
so Father,
dont leave them!
but rather,
draw near to them.
keep them so close.
whisper to them Your promises.
remind them of Your steadfast love.
guide them.
strengthen them.
reveal to them Your plan for them.
You are so grand
with grand plans
in grand places.
Father keep them in Your love,
so that Your love may shine through them
to Your people of the nations.

patience is a virtue, but AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH

ok. here's the sitch:
these two and a half weeks-ish before i leave for india,
i was going to stay in lubbock.
i was going to just chill and relax and be by myself
and work out and drink coffee and read the bible.
i wanted to use this time to seek the Lord and focus
on getting ready for what He has for me in India.
but yesterday morning i woke up
with a longing to go home.
and without even thinking i told my friend
i wanted to hop in his car and ride with him to houston.
i threw some clothes in a bag, grabbed my
laptop, phone, and phone charger and left.
it was so spur of the moment.
it took us so long to get home but it wasnt that bad.
i stayed at a friends house and right NOW
this very second im waiting for my brother
to get out of church to come get me
so we can go surprise my mom at whatever restaurant
she chooses to eat lunch at.
neither parents know im in houston.
neither of them have ANY IDEA im here,
and its going to be soooo fun to surprise them.
it will be an awesome mothers day!
but its SOOOOOOOO hard to wait for my bro to come get me!!
i just want to hug them and let them know im here
and that im sorry for fighting about staying in Lubbock.
they begged me to come home
and i fought and fought and fought
to stay.
why? for what?
we can be so irrational sometimes.
now, i still want to relax and seek the Lord before my trip,
and i will!!
but lets be real.
i want my mommy.
:]

today is going to be amazing.
the Lord is so good to me:]

♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫

you're a pretty human being
yeah, you're a pretty human being

oh yes,

and also, i love this.
that is all.

.............................................................

i suppose i can only learn my lesson,
and wait to take more pictures with you.
when i get the chance.
cuz quite frankly, i just dont have
very many.
and also,
i miss you.

sometimes,

we need to stand up and praise Him.
we need to stand in His presence.

lets call a spade, a spade.

im about to get real honest here.
i can be moody.
real moody.
i can be mean.
and unkind.
and resentful.
i am WAY too emotionally driven.
completely taken over by my feelings
and desires.
my demons can show their ugly faces.
and i can say mean things.
and think ugly thoughts.
man, i hate that!
i wish i was not like that.
but, i suppose in a sense
that would be like wishing
i was a robot,
with no heart, right?
right!?

as much as i have discovered
JUST how much of an extrovert i am,
i have discovered just how much
of an introvert i am as well.
i need to be around people
as much as i need to be away.
before college,
i didnt really realize that was an option.
i thought you
"liked to party"
or
"you liked to read"
there was no middle ground.
man!! how wrong i was.
stereotypes.
forgive me, reader.

for i am both.
i need people's company
in the way that i need to bathe myself.
in the way that i need to exert my
creativity, such as painting,
photography, journaling, ect.
i need people in the way that i need
to listen to music,
and watch lost.
all of these things inhance my personality.
they inhance who i am.
art, music, entertainment.
they are curcuits to my happiness.
they allow me to reach
(forgive my lack of better words)
"the maximum elizabeth".
HOWEVER.
without these things,
i would still be elizabeth.
i would be blonde, a sophomore at tech,
a sister, daughter, niece, grandaughter.
i would still love the Lord.
i would still love the things i love,
and hate the things i hate.
i would still be kind at heart,
and loud.
i would still be rediculous
and irrational.
i would still laugh a lot
and want to spread the gospel.
i would be all these things.
i would not NOT be elizabeth
if music suddenly didnt exist.
these wonderful things,
however, do exist.
and because of this
i learn more.
i feel more.
i want more.
i love more.
they make me...just...more.
whatever that may be.
whatever that may mean.

people. crowds. relationships.
these things make me more.

oh the other hand.
i need time by myself
in the way that i need to breathe.
in the way that i need to sleep.
in the way that i need to eat.
these things are essential to my very being.
without these things,
i would NOT be elizabeth.
i would be less of what i am now.
i would stop existing.
i need these things to FUNCTION.
time by myself,
to think,
to journal,
to pray,
to analyse,
to process,
to be.

now THAT. i did not know about myself.
and, if i do not have time by myself,
an extrovert,
i get moody.

moody.

moody.

moody.

and for that, i am truly sorry.

i shall try to improve.

12:17 am. right now, im 20 for the first time.

hmmm.
im listening to sigur ros really loud.
the way i did when i was nineteen.
i still want to pee in my pants
when i think about my trip in 3 weeks.
the way i did when i was nineteen.
i still think potty and preverted humor is funny.
i still want to play dress up in my
(newly cleaned and straightened) closet.
i still hate high heels.
the way i did when i was nineteen.
i still long for the beach
and squeal at the fact that its
(not only my birthday) but
THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER.
i still loveeeeee disney movies
and finger painting.
i still love mocking people
when they are being silly or super eccentric.
i still like to roll my windows down
and sing at the top if my voice
to my music.
even when i dont know the words.
i still miss my mom.
like i did when i was nineteen.
i still have no idea what im going
to do with my life.
like i did 24 minutes ago.
when i was nineteen.
i still love halloween.
i still love ice skating
and having the bumpers up
when i go bowling.
i still love the childrens museum
and the zoo,
like i did when i was nineteen.
i still love blowing bubbles
and sidewalk chalk.
i still love hop scotch.
and climbing in trees.
the way i did when i was nineteen.
i still love silly pranks
like surprise water balloon attacks.
and being terrified of roaches.
like i did when i was nineteen.
i still like breaking the rules
just to see how far i can get
without being reprimanded.
i still love telling useless
and pointless stories just because
the words and characters
are lovely.
i still love rainbows
because they are colorful.
and they appear in the sky like magic.
i still get excited about
a new box of crayons,
the way i did when i was nineteen.
i still laugh when things are awkward.
and i still run away when im sad.
i still love making cupcakes
with pink icing and green sprinkles.
i still love trampolines
and picking flowers.
the way i did when i was nineteen.
i still love running through sprinklers.
i still write funny things on myself
so i wont forget it tomorrow.
the way i did thirty minutes ago.
i still think school sucks and
tests are straight from the bad place.
im still nevous about india
because its a new place
for the first time.
like i was when i was nineteen.
i still have no idea about anything
at all not even a little bit.
the way i always have never had any
idea about anything not even a little bit.
and i still think that the Lord is bigger
than the boogy man,
and the monsters on tv.
the way i did when i was nineteen.
i dont feel any different.
i dont feel like an adult.

hmmmm.
maybe i will feel less like a
teenager after i wake up
tomorrow morning.
maybe.

love, kindness, compassion

its the same in any language
a brother is a brother
if theres one thing i know
its the same in any language
wherever you go

Express Yourself

Some people have everything,
and other people don’t.
But everything don’t mean a thing
if it ain´t the thing you want.
Express Yourself

i'm completely mad.

but madness is a characteristic
one must learn to love and embrace.

sigh.

is this how it starts?
and how is someone supposed to stop it?
how does someone keep all the water
in a breaking dam?
how does someone keep the water from
destroying everything in its path?

Tomorrow I Will

call an old friend
read the bible
shop for long skirts
to wear in india
study a tiny bit for my last final
sleep in
go for a run
catch up with my mom
and tell her how much i miss her
listen to Jon Foreman
spend time with the Lord
love someone i can hardly stand
lend a helping hand
laugh at the pictures we took today
appreciate the wind
...well maybe.
go to tj max
and try on dresses
maybe make some jewlery from hobby lobby
maybe paint some things
--my toe nails for sure.
attempt at cleaning my closet.
its a monster.
do something i have never done
hold a conversation about something new
and allow the Lord to guide my steps.
or try my hardest as least.

i want to mean the things i say.

all the time.

i have a lot of wishes.

this is an older post from about a year ago.
but i thought i would respost it because it still rings quite true:


i feel like the things i enjoy contridict themselves.
like, i just LOVE Jesus.
He is my favorite,
but i like rap music,
and some rated R movies.
I like going to Montrose
and meeting allll kinds of characters there.
some people I meet
are homosexuals
and thieves.
I like dumb shows on mtv.
Sometimes I cuss.
now, I dont like that,
but sometimes I do.
I'm a girl full of contradictions.
I dont know if thats a good or bad thing.
So until I figure that out,
it just is what it is.

i want to go to boston.
really bad.
i think id like it there.
people say the east coast is too busy,
but i think id enjoy it.
the open road excites me.
i want to go on a road trip and not plan anything.
i just want to drive across the country
and see what happens.
scratch that,
i want to backpack across
europe and stay in hostels.
and meet new people.
and speak the French that I have learned.
and make money with my pictures.
or my art.
and draw everything all the time.
like hands.
i love drawing hands.
and trees.
and that catholic church on main street.
i like to draw people who
have curls in their hair.
and people who wear flowy clothes.
scarves and skirts and such.
if i could live any way i wanted,
i would just travel.
and take pictures.
and praise God every day.
i would be a missionary part of the time.
i know that selfish that i say part of the time,
but like i said, i contradict some things.
i would try to find a cure for cancer.
and go talk with people in Calcutta, India who have aids.
i would share the gospel to them.
Like Mother Theresa.
i would buy clothes from different cultures.
and wear them.
i would go to so many more concerts.
i would want every day to be around 70 degrees,
and overcast.
and i would always roll the windows down.
i would never run out of gas.
I would visit the beach a lot more.
Become better friends with the sun.
And the waves.
i would jump on a lot more trampolines.
and sing a lot more karaoke.
and play a lot more sports.
and eat more chips and salsa.
and learn the waltz.
and the tango.
and buy a sail boat.
and listen to Matt Wertz all the time.
with a little bit of playradioplay,
and postal. of course.
i would buy a guitar and teach myself.
or better yet, a ukulele!
that way i could make my own music.
not that i dont love the music on my ipod,
cuz i do.
but if i created my own music,
it would be the way I wanted it.
it would be as long as i wanted
or as short as i wanted.
it would be the chords i chose
specifically for the certain words i would sing.
it would have this melody, or that.
and there would always be room for harmony.
i would sing duets with my dad
and have my brother play the piano.
but most importantly,
it would be my own.
and i would feel like i created something in this world.
that i left something to be remembered.
something that was worth remembering.
i want to leave a mark.
so that the world is somehow changed when i leave it.
i want to have some sort of influence.
i would buy a puppy.
and write my novel.
i have so many ideas.
i have so much to say.
i would forgive everyone who has hurt me.
and help others with their hurt.
and fish.
i wouldnt be so directionally challenged.
i would get over my fear of heights.
and just jump out of the plane already.
i wouldnt over think things anymore.
and sing so much more.
i kind of want to hold all of my conversations in song.
like living in a musical.
and not think about yesterday, unless it was necessary.
but if i lived the way i wanted, it would never be necessary.
but i might just want to.
and getting lost would always be an adventure.
mainly because i get lost everywhere.
i would devote every day to learning new ways to love God and love people.
i want to experience everything beautiful.



ever heard of a dreamer?