im just a doofus with a lot of wishes.

i feel like the things i enjoy contridict themselves.
like, i just LOVE Jesus.
He is my favorite,
but i like rap music,
and some rated R movies.
I like going to Montrose
and meeting allll kinds of characters there.
I like dumb shows on mtv.
Sometimes I cuss.
now, I dont like that,
but sometimes I do.
I'm a girl full of contradictions.
I dont know if thats a good or bad thing.
So until I figure that out,
it just is what it is.

i want to go to boston.
really bad.
i think id like it there.
people say the east coast is too busy,
but i think id enjoy it.
the open road excites me.
i want to go on a road trip and not plan anything.
i just want to drive across the country and see what happens.
scratch that,
i want to backpack across europe and stay in hostels.
and meet new people.
and speak the French that I have learned.
and make money with my pictures.
or my art.
and draw everything all the time.
if i could live any way i wanted,
i would just travel.
and take pictures.
and praise God every day.
i would be a missionary part of the time.
i know that selfish that i say part of the time,
but like i said, i contradict some things.
i would try to find a cure for cancer.
and go talk with people in Calcutta, India who have aids.
i would share the gospel to them.
Like Mother Theresa.
i would buy clothes from different cultures.
and wear them.
i would go to so many more concerts.
i would want every day to be around 70 degrees,
and i would always roll the windows down.
i would never run out of gas.
I would visit the beach a lot more.
Become better friends with the sun.
And the waves.
i would jump on a lot more trampolines.
and sing a lot more karaoke.
and buy a sail boat.
and listen to Matt Wertz all the time.
with a little bit of playradioplay,
and postal. of course.
i would buy a guitar and teach myself.
that way i could make my own music.
not that i dont love the music on my ipod,
cuz i do.
but if i created my own music,
it would be the way I wanted it.
it would be as long as i wanted
or as short as i wanted.
but most importantly,
it would be my own.
and i would feel like i created something in this world.
that i left something to be remembered.
something that was worth remembering.
i want to leave a mark.
so that the world is somehow changed when i leave it.
i want to have some sort of influence.
i would buy a puppy.
and write my novel.
i have so many ideas.
i have so much to say.
i would forgive everyone who has hurt me.
and help others with their hurt.
and fish.
and sing so much more.
i kind of want to hold all of my conversations in song.
like living in a musical.
and not think about yesterday, unless it was necessary.
but if i lived the way i wanted, it would never be necessary.
but i might just want to.
and getting lost would always be an adventure.
i would devote every day to learning new ways to love God and love people.
i want to experience everything beautiful.

ever heard of a dreamer?

ps:i like sunsets. this one is in Lubbock, Tx while i was at a bible study.

Things I never asked for, but got anyway.

My words never end up meaning what I intended them to.
I either speak too much, too little, or too quickly.
Maybe thats why I like to write.
My words escape my mouth while my thoughts are still developing.
I sometimes say things that are inconsistant with my character.
Sometimes I say things that I don’t mean.
Sometimes I get frustrated because I don’t feel I make myself understood.
Mostly because I don’t even understand myself.
Sometimes I think really mean thoughts.
Sometimes I want to scream mean words.
But I dont.
And thats a good thing.

I love to take pictures.


I get very sick of this one situtation of which is on my mind right now.
Everytime I think about it I get sleepy.
I feel lied to. All the time.

I'm so proud of my sister.

I love my brother.
he's my favorite.
I cant wait to live in the same are as Goodies Kitty, Alyssa,
Jewls, ERIN, Rae, KRISTEN, Mick, Rachael, Autumn Bottom, and Stace.
I will be very releived when i finally do.

I lose sight of my goals.
Lose weight.
Learn more.
Keep in touch with so-and-so.
I hate makeup but I wear it anyway.
I have an obsession with shoes.
But I swear I'm working on it.
I doubt God.
I'm scared to be in love.
Its such a risk.

John 15:19,
Romans 7:19, and Hebrews 13:2
are my favorite Bible verses.

I tire of people.
I tire of my thoughts.
I trust too much.
Noone gets my jokes.
I find myself thinking of "what could have been" with him.
But then I get angry.
Because I hate him.
I regret my memory of him.
I hate pointless social-rules and table manners.
I wish I played an instrument.
I wish I excelled in something.
I wish I hadnt given up art for my sorority.
It wasnt worth it.
I wish I could cut all my hair off without a thought.
I love to cuddle.
I stay up too late.
I daydream in my lecture classes.
I doodle like its no ones's business.
I miss my old friends.
But love my new ones.
I fantasize.
and daydream.
and wish.
And lust.
I'm absent minded.
sometimes aloof.
I'm too curious for my own good.
I miss my yellow 'stang (Sunny).
I eat Bahama Bucks knowing it makes me sick.
I love children's books.
I want to write a novel.
I want to wear more dresses.
I want to live on the east coast.
and the west coast.
and France.
and Moracco.

Motorcycle Driveby by Third Eye Blind makes me sob.
Lazy Eye by Silversun Pickups gets me pumped up.
PlayRadioPlay is too amazing for words.
Tally Hall makes me long for home.

Julia Sherman can make me pee in my pants like no one else.

I feel very observed, but never analyzed.
People take everything for face-value and first-impressions.
People that I can't calculate intimidate me.
I dont like mirrors.
Or guns.
Or knives!
I have an irrational hate for math.
And an irrational fear of being kidnapped.
And I have the strangest hand fettish.
I am drawn to them and I draw them. Werid huh?

Sometimes I snore.
and I love the smell of cigarette smoke.
Sometimes I feel the most lonely when the most people are around.
I say babyhead too much hahahaa.but really.
I have rediscovered my obsession with trampolines.
Diffindooferday is my favorite Dr. Seuss book.
I have musical aspirations that I will never reach.
I dont mean to be sinical,
just stating the facts.

I never cried when my grandma died at the beginning of the year.
I dont know why.

I like the sound of breathing.
Its nice.
Other than hands my favorite parts of the body are
collar bones and
eyelashes.
oh, and cheek bones.

The world fascinates me.
People are so complex.
I have abandoned some dreams.
Clung to others.
And discovered new ones.
I try to take life as it comes.
But I worry too much for that kind of lifestyle.
I wish certain things didnt follow me to college.
I dont want to remember them.
The mind is suprisingly fragile sometimes.
I can rarley make up my mind.
I try to please everyone.
My world has tipped more than once.
It sucked.
But I feel stable.

I'm not sure what's stopping me a lot of the time.

I want everything.

I want to be the girl I can see in my head.
She does right,
makes A's,
is kind to everyone,
keeps her problems to herself,
doesnt gossip,
relies fully on God,
is not tempted by the world.
I see her.

I cant reach her.
But something in me knows thats ok.

One time I thought my chest was going to cave in on my heart.
But it didnt.
I'm more of a fighter than I give myself credit for.
I dont have a crush on anyone.
People are so alone.
It's us against the world.
But we can fight it.
Finding myself is terrifying and wonderful.
I dont have anything under control.
I'm a humungous mess.
But I couldnt live without clutter.
I couldnt live having it all together.

What comes is better than what came before.

Sometimes its healthy to not look back.
But sometimes its healthy to let it catch up with you.
Its too exhausting to run and run and run.
I should travel more.
Im not sorry I met you.
I wish sunflowers were not my favorite flowers because of you.
But I cant not love them.
They are so wonderful.
I love how they follow the sun as it goes up and down the sky.

I'm completely mad.
But madness is a characteristic I have learned to embrace.


I laugh right before and right after I cry.
I laugh at all potty, peverted, and immature humour.
I laugh at irony.

Everytime I have a fevor I have the same dream
where I try to balance on moving pipes high in the air.
I don't know why but it never fails to come.

I apologize to my lovely roomate daily for being strange.
and so fickle.
so so fickle.
I really wish I was more decisive.
by the way, if you dont know Asenath...you should.
She's awesome.

I constantly change.

I am too emotionally-driven.
I act like my mother. (not thats its a bad thing. :) )
I harbor anxiety.
I am selfish.
I shake when I get really really angry.
And that only happens with two people.
Ever.
I shoould read the Bible more.
I Should have more faith.
I am judgemental. (I'm working on it with God, I promise.)
I wish things.
Probably too much.
I have a lot of opinions.
and a lot of them are biased and so irrational.
I care what others think.
I worship the world. (once again, working on it daily)
I'm a hazard to the "ME" generation.


How can one be so happy and yet
realize so many faults in themselves?

God has a sense of humor.
I shall improve.
:)

Some "Man, I just really can't get to sleep" thoughts.

I believe in joy.
I believe in allowing the emotions to come.
I believe in sleeping in some days.
I believe true love waits.
I believe in second chances.
I believe in third and fourth and fifth chances.
I believe my brother is one of the wisest kids I know.
I believe in healing.
I believe in demons.
And spiritual warfare.
I believe God has a specific someone chosen for each person.
But I don’t like to call it soul mates. I don’t know why.
I believe in fasting for a cause.
I believe music speaks when you don’t have the words to say.
I believe music heals.
It has happened to me too many times to doubt that previous statement.
I believe I owe my life to:
Taylor Swift, Imogen Heap,
Explosions in the Sky,
Shiney Toy Guns, Third Eye Blind,
Leeland, Joy williams,
Bethany Dillon,
Celine Dion, Death Cab, Postal Service,
Collin Hay
disney singalong soundtracks,
Rascal flatts, Angels and Airwaves,
Rod Stuart,
Chris Thile, Aerosmith, Matt Kearney,
Dashboard, Elissa, Eisley,
Tally Hall, Liz Phair,
Matt Kearney, John Mayer,
and the Killers.
I believe there is beauty in each person.
I believe everyone wants to be loved.
Some more than others.
I believe some people will do anything for affection.
I believe that people should find their worth in God instead of other’s approval.
I believe in happiness all the time.
I believe dancing is good for the soul.
I believe a lot of problems could be dissolved
if everyone thought about other people more.
I believe there is something releasing in singing.
Out loud.
At the top of your voice.
Who cares if it sounds good?
Who decides if it sounds good?
I believe nightfall is beautiful.
I believe the different colors in the fall can take your breath away.
I believe in writing.
And climbing to the top of a mountain and drawing anything and everything you see.
I believe in photography.
I take pictures all the time.
I believe everyone deserves a good cry every once in a while.
I believe in asking for what we don’t deserve.
I believe in Christ.
And I most defiantly don’t deserve Him and everything that goes along with Him.
I believe in passion.
I believe in going for things with full force.
I believe people don’t know how wonderful they are.
I believe in going on walks with God.
I believe in meeting new people.
I believe in social organizations.
I believe in leadership.
I believe in fear.
And the consequences that come with fear.
I believe in weird funky music that you don’t know how to sing along with.
My friends will defiantly testify to that.
I believe in truth.
And knowing it.
I believe things are revealed to us at certain times for certain reasons.
I believe I don’t know everything.
I believe I know nothing of other cultures.
I believe in traveling and learning about cultures other than my own.
I believe time with your family is so important.
I believe the relationship with my mother and father has saved me from myself at many times.
I believe literature is one of the greatest things humans could ever create.
I believe Hamlet,
To Kill A MockingBird,
Count of Monte Cristo,
Twilight, Beowolf,
Pride and Prejudice,
the Poisinwood Bible,
Redeeming Love,
The Crucible,
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,
The Last of the Mohicans,
The Odyssey,
Frankenstein.
The Moonstone,
Dracula,
and Little Woman are brilliant.
I believe Robert Frost,
Emily Dickenson,
John Keats,
Charles Dickens,
Nathaniel Hawthorn,
Emily Bronte,
and Francine Rivers are all pure geniuses.
I believe in changing your hair color for the heck of it.
I believe in decorating for holidays, like carving pumpkins and mistletoe!
I believe in cliff diving.
I believe in roadtrips.
I believe people can fall out of love.
I believe in painting.
I believe Texas has some crazy pride.
I believe I am so blessed.
I believe investing in relationships is more important than anything.
I believe in scripture.
I believe in basing my life on that little thing I like to call The Bible.
I believe people can hurt you,
but still love you so much.
I believe in forgiveness.
I believe I have “thrown my pearls to swine” one to many times.
I believe God knew I would love Tech.
I believe people need more self control than we sport.
I believe in running to release anger, anxiety, ect.
I believe in body language.
I believe actions speak louder than words.
I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt.
I believe in moments that are less than perfect, but are perfect to you.